When you assume the worst, the worst is what you’ll get.
Fuck you. Fuck your assumptions, an fuck how you feel. You can sit there an do whatever you damn well please. Yet when I do something it’s a fucking problem. Way to make me feel completely worthless.

It upsets me that people are having babies that don’t deserve them..

I hate having a dirty little secret. But if I express the things I’m doing to the people I love. They look down on me. My addiction wasn’t something I hoped for in life. To be at my foils every beck and call. My body depends on it. My world is revolved around it. It consumes me. I live in such a beautiful state, with (mostly) beautiful people. I used to go bike riding, hiking, smoking weed with my friends out on mountains and over looking the ocean. But I took that one hit 1 year ago today. And my life has been a disaster ever since. I’ve tried and I’ve tried to ween myself off the Devil. But she keeps me hooked. My body needs it. Me, mentally. I could totally do without. But it’s my body that needs it daily. This has been the toughest thing I’ve ever dealt with. I’ve over come loss of loved ones, I’ve seen tragic things happen right before my eyes. I’ve been a drug addict before, but to a different substance. A lot of things scare me. But losing my life to such a dirty drug is my biggest fear. I want to get clean. I really truly do. But it’s after I’m clean, that scares me too. My town is filled with this nastiness. Almost everyone is doing it. Or has it, or sells it. It’s hard to cut that part of my life out. I know letting things go,and moving on betters the soul and heals the heart. But it’s just so hard. I’ve tried and failed countless times. I’ve sat outside the methadone clinic for hours debating on going to get help. Then talking myself out of it saying ill be substituting one drug for another. I want to be dependency free. I want to wake up every morning without having to hit the foil before going to pee. Slamming dope would only be one step closer to death. It’s a path I’ve chosen to not walk down (thankfully needles scare the fuck out of me) so that was easy. But it’s still a struggle. I’m not as far gone as most. But I’m not in the clear like many others. I love my life. The little shit hole I live in. The beat up Chevy I drive. The empty fridge. I love it all. If only I could kick out heroin. My life would be complete.
I’m not even sure why I started it. Something new? Something everyone else was doing? My family? Hard times with money? I couldn’t tell you. But I did it. And now I’m stuck.
I’ll be okay.
I’ll get past this. It’s just a phase

Friend : Oh wow! You’ve lost weight! Did you start working out?
Me : Nope, on a new diet called S&D
Stress and Depression